trying to find the sea

I have so much in my head right now, I'm not sure which subject to touch on first, and I may not even communicate my thoughts successfully.
I'm frustrated and disappointed with myself, my life, my work, my relationships... my time with God (which is microscopic)... I just can't seem to get myself together right now to produce any kind of good work or fruit.
Am I being lazy? Foolish? Selfish? Prideful?... Or is it simply a dry season for me?
I really despise middle ground. This awkward stage of not knowing what to do with myself or where to start or where I'm going. I have no excuse for why I don't do anything, except that I simply don't do it. I compose very little, I don't practice guitar, I don't learn anything, I don't go anywhere, and, most annoying, I don't say anything. My husband asks me "What do you want to learn? What do you want to do? What do you like to do?" I never seem to be able to answer these questions, but immediately become a silent bag of dry bones. Is that a bad thing? I'm pretty sure it is.
I told my husband that I think I have come to not have very high expectations of anything. Most things that I ever endeavored to try and expected much of wound up being complete disappointments, shortcomings, or failings. I have tried and failed on numerous occasions, almost in a domino effect, and have only seen discouragement. For anyone who says "you can make your own happiness if you try hard enough," you are a liar. And a big one at that.
Even my relationships seem to be of great failure, as I have never had any relationship last longer than 4 years outside of my family and my husband. The only one that did turned out to be a betrayal and finding out I was lied to for 6 years (thank God that pain has been overcome). But can I really expect much out of friends when I have not seen what real loyalty looks like, even when I give my heart so openly? Jason says I should tell them straight up, "Hey, if we don't talk, our relationship will cease to exist, and we won't talk anymore in a matter of very little time." But who wants to say that? How can you? Long distance relationships are near impossible unless you have the right character, and I guess I suit it. My husband and I were long distance for nearly 5 years. But even in preparing to leave college, I had already begun bracing myself to lose people. Why? Because that's what always happens. Might as well get used to it.
...................................................
I officially feel like a real downer, but this is my heart. I'm disappointed. Immensely. Almost enough to say I hate my life, but I know that is folly. And I know very well my only cure lies in the words of a certain book I refuse to read everyday, even though I hear the voice of its words calling me. It's pages are thick with promises and hope and deliverance just waiting for me to crack the spine of and soak up.
But I won't read.
Why?
I can't even tell you. Except to say that I am a foolish child, and "we are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea." (C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory)