after the dust settles

I know that, being only 25 years old, I have (Lord-willing) a lot of time left in my life to live and move and be. I hear it so often said to people my age, "Don't rush, you're young, you've got lots of life left in you." As true as that may be, and as much as I'm sure these people mean to encourage people my age, I can't help but constantly feel like I'm running out of time to "make something of myself."
I'll be honest, I didn't picture myself here, as a housewife and volunteer church staff member, back in high school or college. Actually, I'm not sure if I pictured anything at all. There wasn't much besides the vague "job" in my mind after college. So now that I'm past that part of my life, and the college youth steadily fades from my character and my body, and while I do understand the value of what I do on a day-to-day basis, I feel quite empty-handed and unaccomplished at the end of most days.
I've lost track of the number of days I've found myself alone at home, while my friends and family are at work or school, and I'm beside my bed or on our couch sobbing to God to help me understand my life, to be grateful for my duties, and begging for direction. The fact that I've had no relief for over two years now makes it even harder to understand God's purpose for all of this.
I have been prone to think that I'm just being selfish or ill-content with God's will, and so I ask for forgiveness. But I can't help but wonder if it's okay, if it's normal, to have these emotions? Aren't we born with a sense of longing for something more? Isn't there some innate hole inside us that demands filling? Wasn't I created this way? While these questions are assuredly answered with, "Yes," I have to maintain a balance in my heart of being filled with longing, and being filled with envy. We tend to get the two confused.

So what's a woman to do? More specifically, what's a young, God-fearing woman to do when she does not know what she should be doing?

I have all but given up on my music career. I barely practice, I don't sing as much, and I turn sour at the idea of trying to compose anything now. My mojo is gone, and I can't find a reason to try anymore. I've considered going back to school, but can't afford to do so, and I fear I would simply start on one more rabbit-trail that will lead to a dead end. What's more is that while I know I want children, I also fear them because I worry about my ability to settle into motherhood and assume I will never be anything else. Overall, to put it simply, I feel like all my dreams have turned their back on me to become my personal brand of monsters.

I haven't figured any of this out yet, but I told God this past week that I would make time for Him and His word regardless of my circumstances. I keep reading my Bible, out loud, with highlighter, pen, and pencil, expectantly hoping that one day the words will jump out, the Spirit will speak, and God will move my life in a particular direction. For now, I keep walking through a fog, and trust the ground to be there when I step.