a book can be a dangerous thing

Fifty Shades of Grey.

Almost everyone has heard of this book by now, and many women of all ages have read it and are currently obsessed with it. It's become so popular now that it's being adapted as a motion picture to be released in February of 2015.

No, I haven't read it. No, I don't plan to do so, and I don't plan to see the film either. You see, I have a problem with this type of fiction; several problems in fact. While I know that many people, women especially, will think I'm crazy and disagree with me completely, I'm going to do my best to explain why I can't and won't read or watch this story.

Note: For my own information, I did some reading on the synopsis and have read many things about what goes on in these books.

1. Pornography for the Ladies

Let's talk about the fact that this book is in the erotic genre, grouped in with romance novels and the like. I know that lots of women read these types of novels on a daily basis and often can't get enough of them. All of these types of books appeal to the minds of women because they include romance, being desired, mysterious and intriguing men, and all other manner of things that we are hard-wired to fall for and be enticed by. You don't realize it, but you're reading pornography, and it's been specifically designed for you. It is designed to give you butterflies and make you fantasize about a man like the one you're reading. In the case of Fifty Shades of Grey, Christian Grey is designed to appeal to your senses - wealthy, intriguing, mysterious, handsome, confident, and a few secrets of his own. Even Ana is designed to appeal to you - innocent, pretty, but insecure about herself, career-minded, longing for love, etc. What woman doesn't relate to her character? If the book didn't cause you to relate, or hint at your deepest desires, it wouldn't be selling and bringing in profit.

Erotic and romance novels work practically the same way that porn works in men. While men get flooded with images of the aspects they like visually and audibly, thus causing them to keep clicking through images, we women get flooded with emotion and concepts that keep us turning the pages. You've been duped, and now you're sucked in to keep buying the next book that comes out.

2. Emotionally Strung Out

Now that you're reading pornography, let's think about how this affects you. The relationship between Christian and Ana is so full of drama, white-hot attraction, and sexual tension that you can't put it down and you don't realize what's going on in your heart and mind. As you continue to read, you're steadily allowing your ideas about romance, sex, and relationships to be manipulated. Your expectations for boyfriends and husbands and marriage are changed, maybe even lowered.

Many times we say, "This won't affect me," when it would actually have to be outside of reality for it not to affect you. Don't lie to yourself. Soon the desires of your heart aren't just to be romanced, desired, pursued, and loved. You want men to behave the way the men in the books do. You want the mystery, the drama, and the tension because that's what gives you butterflies; that's what makes you feel good. You want to know all his secrets, even the dirty ones, and then once you've gotten involved, you want him to change for you. Because he loves you, and all that jazz. I'm sorry to say...

3. People Change, But Then Again They Don't

I've been married for over three years now, and spent five dating the same man before that. I can safely tell you that my husband has changed, but he's also still the same man he was eight years ago. Sure, his desires and interests change and fluctuate, but he still has the same personality and struggles with the same problems; some that go back before we even met. Make no mistake, marriage does not mean the man before you will change. You don't get a happily ever after and the perfect man simply because he put a ring on it. Marriage takes work, and so does any good and proper relationship. It also means that whatever baggage either of you had doesn't get left at the door when you cross the threshold. It nestles itself into the corners of your home and rears its head from time to time in ways you didn't think it could.

If you think that what you read and watch has no effect on your way of thinking or behavior, think again. Porn, sexual desire, and the longing for love has the capacity to change your expectations and trick you into thinking you want something you once thought appalling, unacceptable, or disgusting. But you'll go along with it all in the name of Love, claiming you accept the man in front of you as he is, until you're too deep into it to easily get out. Trust me, I've been there.

4. The Romanticizing of Abuse

This is where I get honest, and where I am filled with rage at what Fifty Shades of Grey promotes. As a married woman, my husband and I have set boundaries in our bedroom. Not because I want to limit him or that we don't enjoy sex, but rather to protect ourselves and our sexual relationship. Because our sexual relationship is so important and valuable, there are things that he and I will not do because we value each other and our relationship more than "a little fun," experimentation, or our own sexual pleasure.

I'll be blunt. Making sure you achieve several orgasms by your choice of method is far less valuable than the emotional, physical, and spiritual connection you make with your spouse during sex. My biggest problem with Fifty Shades is that it promotes obsessive control and abuse in a sexual way. Sex was not designed for one spouse to dominate over the other or to simply give you the pleasure you want. It was designed as a duet that beckons a husband to please his wife, and a wife to please her husband, with their bodies in an unselfish manner. Sex within marriage communicates one of the deepest and most open and vulnerable forms of love, and I will tell you that there is nothing loving about hurting, harming, or damaging your spouse's body, or in pushing them to participate in degrading forms of sex. Pleasure should not be gained at the expense of your spouse. If you don't set boundaries in your sex life, you can't imagine what you're capable of giving in to when the person you love requests something unimaginable.

If you don't believe me about that, then trust me when I say that you don't have to look far to see how the world of internet pornography goes to extremes to include sexual methods involving violence and abuse, and it doesn't take long to get there.

5. Visual Dangers

After watching the trailer for the movie, my heart was burdened with this post. What once was all imagination and emotion will now be given a body and a face. The film is set to be released on Valentine's Day, so I already know that couples will go see this movie and watch it without realizing what it truly is. Millions will voluntarily watch a film based on a pornographic story, and come out with who knows how many ideas that will influence their behavior and mindset. Men will get the idea that abusive sex and controlling behavior is okay, as long as they really love the woman. Women will think it's normal to be treated and controlled in such a way, and that eventually he'll change and it'll all be the way they wanted it to be in the first place. Who knows how many of them will go home and actually try some of the things they see in the movie? How many men and women will be hurt and shamed by what they participate in? How many men will awaken an abusive nature they were hiding? How many women will turn the tables and respond that they should be in control and become abusive? I fully believe we will see the repercussions of this story.

There is so much to be harmed by Fifty Shades, and the unfortunate part is that most people are all too willing to say, "I'm not hurting anyone," and allow it to continue. I have a feeling that this is the the first step onto a dangerous path for both men and women and their relationships.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 NIV - "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies."

thorns & thistles

I can't lie. Today was a wretched day.
I know things could be much worse and not all hope is lost, but when something looms over me like this and for as long as this particular thing has, the human in me, admittedly, feels defeated. So much of my behavior has been shaped by this thorn in my side, and it rubs me annoyingly raw some days.
I was finally feeling confident that a brighter day was dawning for my health, but it all fell apart last night and my heart ached and longer for more of that sense of normalcy. So I sat in my bed and around my home today feeling empty, angry, and hopeless; even deceived. I'm a bit ashamed about the way I took it, but honestly I don't know how else I would have taken it. I feel like the carrot that was dangled has just been pulled away for good. I had been hoping and believing for something very specific to be changed in my health, and I thought that it had. Unexpectedly, things changed, and the grace period was over. My heart sank and I died a little bit in spirit with each hour of the night as I laid in bed. God bless the sweet man of my husband who did his best to comfort me.
"Why God? I thought you were doing something here? I thought you were healing me? I thought you cared about this? I don't understand. Do I really have to continue to deal with this?"
After 16 years of this struggle, nothing has changed. I feel... cheated; forgotten; uncared for. And now I worry about what's coming next and what it means. But I know God sees, and I know God cares, and I know God is capable... but why didn't he do something?
I have no answer right now. This is another one of those moments where the quiet mist of God's hand creeps it's fingers over the pathway and tells me not to worry about the next step and just keep walking.
"Trust me."
I know it's not out of spite or punishment or anything like that; no not at all. I know there's something good, something whole and worthwhile to come of all of this, but I certainly don't feel that and I haven't the slightest inkling as to what it will look like. All I feel is the tugging in my chest that pulls on my throat as I resist the urge to cry out of sorrow and desire for change; the sickness that stirs in my stomach as I stumble in and out of anger and sadness, frustrated thoughts and pleading cries.
"I just want something simple. Is it so much to ask of you? You make seas move and planets rotate and dirt give life, and yet my body will not function as you designed the body to do. I don't understand this, and I'm trying to trust you. Right now though, I need something to hold onto; something to give me hope in this circumstance."
Thankfully, my spirit has been lifted a bit, and I'm coming out of the funk. It's not any less difficult, but I know it'll make sense soon.
"Patience, my love. I am working."

i was rescued when i didn't know i needed saving

Have you ever met someone who had such a powerful testimony about how Christ redeemed their life, that you almost wished your testimony had, maybe not all, but some of that griminess and edge to make it a little more interesting? More powerful? More exciting? I'm talking the kind of testimony that involves all kinds of dirty, ugly, knock-out-drag-out-you'll-take-me-kicking-and-screaming sin. And if you had met them before they knew Jesus, you wouldn't believe they would be serving our sweet Savior anymore than you would believe a terrorist liked playing with kittens.

I'll admit that there have been times I've heard someone else's story and thought, "Man, my life seems so boring and unimpressive compared to that. A story like that would bring tons of people to Jesus! Not mine though." Maybe you've thought it too.

Let's face it. Some of us have led quiet lives. But that doesn't mean our lives are any less valuable or any less important.

"Laura, I knew you were going to say that."

Yes, I know you're thinking it too. I thought it just the same. Those of us who grew up in God-fearing, Christian homes know where our value is and how significant our role is in God's kingdom. We know we play a part, but honestly, I know, we don't always feel it.

But what if your story went deeper than you realized? Or perhaps deeper is a poor word. What if your story went further back than you realized?

Three years ago, my family began going through major struggles. My eyes began to be opened as soon as I got married, and I had this man I loved looking in on what I came to find was quite a broken and fragile environment. Let it never be said that God does not use marriage to make us more like Him. Indeed, it's probably one of the best ways He makes us more like Him. I learned just how much pain and sin runs in my blood when I was old enough to understand the backgrounds of my family. I learned how my parents, and even grandparents, came from physically and verbally abusive backgrounds riddled with neglect and poverty; how my own siblings had endured abuses that I knew nothing about; how my parent's relationship began as an affair, leading to their divorces, emotional scarring on my half-siblings, and their marriage afterward in my mother's seventh month of pregnancy with me, despite disapproval from both sides of the family. And it didn't stop there. The abuse, the anger, the deep-rooted bitterness, addictions to all manner of things, the resentment still in people's hearts, the pride, the ugliness, the shame... it all continued on. Like a bloodthirsty monster, it couldn't be satisfied no matter how many people you fed it. 

And then my Mom got sick. And someone from the church came to the hospital to visit, and brought her a plant as a "Get Well" gift. That plant brought Jesus into our home, and it changed the lives of my Mom, my Dad, my sister, and me.

That didn't mean the monster was gone. He lingered in shadow and quietly did his bidding behind closed doors, and even today he still causes chaos. But it hardly touched me, and it hardly touched my baby sister. I've been spared from knowing first-hand what it feels like to be abused physically and verbally, and to have to hide the bruises. I've been spared (for the most part) from knowing what it feels like to be hungry when all there is to eat is mustard and bread. I've been spared from demeaning positions. I've been spared... from much more than I probably know or feel comfortable saying here. And when I first learned of it all, it haunted me, and I wasn't sure what to do with the knowledge I had been given. I have wrestled with it for three years now, learning how to deal with the on-going sin and hurt in the lives of those I love most. I proclaim Christ, and therefore I proclaim hope and healing.

I won't lie. I ache inside at the thought of the things that stain my history, but more importantly I've been blessed and have resolved to see the generational sin end with me and my family. Praise God that He gave me a man who is plagued with honesty and has called me out for the flaws I've carried on. Praise God for conviction, and the willingness to change. Praise God that I was spared, and I do not have to tell a story that is so intense. I can be thankful for the quiet, and when I reflect on my life and ask, "Why didn't that happen to me?" I know the answer beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Because the Lord guarded my heart, His hand of protection kept me, and He had plans for me all along.

oil pulling pt 3 & some thoughts

It's been nearly two months since I started my Oil Pulling experiment, and I think it's safe to say it's not an experiment anymore. Oil Pulling is now part of my daily routine and I've been pleased with the results. My mouth has continued to be kept clean and healthy, I've thrown away my toothpaste, and I have even found other uses for my coconut oil. Just the other night I was telling our friends how it's become my "wonder drug."

Besides using coconut oil to clean my teeth and gums, I've also been using it in my hair to keep it smooth and well-moistened (wavy hair needs to be kept moisturized). I had noticed that since I started Oil Pulling, my hair has grown significantly, which, if you know me, is saying something. The last time I cut my hair short, it took me over a year and a half to grow it back out to be able to grab it from behind me. I cut my hair again back in November or December to just above my shoulders and here I am at the end of March with my hair already about halfway grown back. I'm a little impressed.

I've also been using the oil as an occasional lotion replacement since we've had significantly cold, dry weather. I say occasional because some days I just can't resist the smell of Bath & Body Works Vanilla Bean Noel. My skin feels softer and moisturized longer, and I have felt like I had that "glow" that most women seek to have nowadays while using it on my face.

So obviously there are many ways you can use coconut oil, and since little bit goes a long way, you can make it stretch. You can even bake and cook with it. If you're looking for a good brand, I've used the Spectrum brand that you can find at Target, but my favorite that I recently found at HEB is the Central Market organic virgin coconut oil. It smells like coconut, so you know it's pure and high quality. I'll probably be buying that from now on if the Central Market near us carries it.

In other news...

My hubs and I have been rolling over some choices we've needed to make, and we finally settled on a decision. Although at this point I feel like it might be more of an acquiesce or surrendering, which is probably good. I've been wrestling with myself a great deal, as there are things that I don't feel ready for or qualified to do. As I think on the things that God has set before me - some fully visible, and others veiled - it's quite easy to get caught up in questions and concerns, most of which are all about little ole ME. I can think all day about what I need to do, what steps I could take, what any given task might require of me, and I often make the mistake of trying to force God's will to happen.

God has given me prophetic words about how my life will be used, but He hasn't exactly given the nitty gritty details about how that will be done. And He doesn't have to.

As such, I see something happening or something I could do, and though I might not admit it, in my heart I say, "Maybe this is what God meant for me to do." It's easy to get wrapped up in doing things, but just because you're doing something doesn't mean you're producing anything.

We've been studying Genesis and recently covered where Abraham's wife Sarah (who is unable to have children) gives her servant Hagar to him to have children with. Now, God has already promised a child to Abraham and Sarah, so you wonder why they would do this. Well, they, like us so many times, tried to "make" God's work happen. We often think, "This will do God," or, "I can do this God, so bless this." The truth though, is that God has already set His plan in motion, and He knows exactly how it will play out. All that is required of us is to have faith in His promise, and to walk in obedience.

There are many things I could get involved in or make happen, but if I'm not placing each step in obedience to God, those things won't matter, and they won't bring Him glory. It is His will I must seek, but I have to remember that I can't make it happen in my timing any more than I can make it rain. I look forward to what God is going to do with my life, and I am excited about what He's doing now. And even though I often don't feel like the person for a given task, I know that God has placed me here and entrusted it to me, and He would not do it if He did not have a purpose for it. I know He will uphold me, and if I listen and obey, I will see His amazing work come to fruition, and I will bring Him glory.

three years

Three years ago today, I married my best friend; the most wonderful man I've ever known. Only a few patches of ice survived that day as they hid from the much welcomed, warm temperatures in the shadowed corners of the Dallas Arboretum. There, in the smallest garden, my husband and I made promises to love each other through every circumstance as we served God, and we exchanged rings as the symbol of an unending commitment to uphold those vows.

Now, on the day of our three-year anniversary, I find myself reflecting on all that has happened in our married years. I feel as if I've known Jason forever, and that surely we must have been married more than three years. But on the other hand, I still feel as if it's been a short time, and our wedding was just yesterday. Time is such a funny thing, and such an abstract concept. I wonder if this is how I'll feel about time in Heaven; forever long, and yet it feels like it just started.

I wouldn't say that our years together have been as eventful as a storybook, but then again I've found that real adult life simply is not as exciting as fairy tales and great lore of old. That doesn't make daily life any less meaningful or deprive it of its purpose though. The events of our life together have been realistic, whole, and formed by the flowing movement of God's hand at work. I know that neither of us have any doubt about the power of God, and we know first-hand what His constant and faithful provision looks like. We have seen it in the smallest of circumstances. Sweetly enough, our first three years together are only the tip of the iceberg. There is much to look forward to.

I am always incredibly thankful that God placed Jason in my life to be my companion. I have known some pretty swell, Jesus-loving guys over the years, but few ever seemed a preferential choice for dating. Looking back at my high school and college years, I know that God protected me during the times of sin that might have laid waste to my ability to love my husband as I do now. I know that God kept me out of unnecessary relationships as well. I never dated for the sake of dating, and though a young man might have been a suitable partner, somehow he just wasn't in my mind. I thank God for the moments of clarity that I simply heard and said, "He is not for me," and walked away without an inkling of feeling for him again. I firmly believe the Spirit was at work in me before I ever fully understood Him. Oh, how jealously loved I am by God and husband.

I think the most vital traits that communicate our love for each other and form our marriage are these two things:

1.We are not afraid to challenge or correct each other. Jason will always call me out when my response to broken cell phones, people's failings, or a simple mood swing is anger, frustration, or bitterness. He unveils my naked sin, and challenges me to display a Christ-like attitude. In the same way, I remind him of the promises of God and what is required of the Christ-following life. To be honest, this has been a growing point for me, as I have always avoided conflict. But conflict grows us, and our ability to navigate it makes us stronger and binds us tighter. And though we often are put off by each other's words, we are always thankful for them later.

2. We put each other's needs first. I consider myself spoiled sometimes at the generosity my husband displays towards me. If I were secretly a manipulative and selfish woman, I might have the capability to bleed him dry with gifts and acts of love. Love is a doing word, and Jason acts out his love for me in his efforts to secure my happiness. Sometimes this is in the basic bacon-winning for us by working so hard at his job, or in the way he buys me daisies because they're my favorite, or in the surrender of another soda so that I can have popcorn at the movies. If you know my husband, you know that is a big deal. My husband proves to me on a regular basis that my happiness and contentment are of great importance to him, and he will do anything to have it. In the same way, I seek this for him and offer up small things - like playing silly video games or listening to his technical jargon - to show him I will do anything for him.

Love is a practiced thing, and we must practice often.

So thank you Jason. Thank you for loving me, and for challenging me. Thank you for holding me when I cried so bitterly, and for making me laugh until I couldn't breathe. Thank you for letting me change your mind about things, and for changing mine about others. Thank you for your sacrifices. Thank you for being charming and playful, and for allowing me to make all my weird noises and dance like a fool (and reminding me not to do it in public). Thank you for long hours in the cold fixing vehicles, treats I didn't need, and pushing me when I felt I could run no more. Thank you for doing life with me. And thank You, God, that I have such a wonderful husband. Help me to be a wonderful wife.

oil pulling pt 2

Just over a week ago, I told you about how I had quit using toothpaste for a week and how the experiment was going. So far, the results have been good. I have less sensitivity, healthier gums, and increased confidence about my teeth in general.

Now the second week has come and gone, and my coconut oil supply is a little more diminished. How did it go? Ask my dentist!

I had my 6-month check-up scheduled for today (what a coincidence!) and I was especially curious to see what my dental hygienist had to say about my mouth. For the record, these ladies know me and these pearls quite well. I've been going to them for 3 years now for all my dental hardships. We've gone from seeing each other every couple of weeks to every 6 months. I absolutely adore these ladies and dread the day I ever have to find another dentist/hygienist. Moving on...

My cleaning went as usual. X-rays, getting the plaque off my teeth, trying to talk between having her hands in my mouth, rinsing, polishing, laughing, checking my gums, and addressing any issues I might be having. Overall, my hygienist said my teeth and gums look beautiful. No joke, they love to say how beautiful my teeth and gums are (because they were SO BAD), and I often hear, "Sweetie, you've come a long way!" Usually, however, it's quickly followed up by concerns about my susceptibility to decay and how I need to be rigorously brushing and flossing everyday. Not this time! I don't think brushing or flossing more was even discussed.

On the flip-side, don't abandon your dentist yet! By no means do I believe Oil Pulling can cure every mouth issue. Here's the other part of my dentist trip story...

Thanks to genetics (again), I have crowded teeth. Many of my front teeth are at awkward angles and rotated, so they don't line up correctly and some are too close together. As such, there are areas in-between my teeth that I simply can't get to. Because of that, I do need the standard 6-month check-up to clear plaque from those crevasses I can't reach. This also means that I'm a great candidate for Invisalign, which can correct the crookedness, and allow me to clean (and pull!) more thoroughly. Granted, it's expensive, but I believe it's worth it in my case. (And if you know your dentist well enough, you might get a special deal like me!)

Also, because my bite is off, and my jaw is always searching for a safe place to land, I have been grinding my teeth and managed to crack a previous, large filling in one of my upper molars. In turn, I had been having one spot where my floss felt like it would get stuck, which was rather uncomfortable. Thankfully, this is easily repaired, and Invisalign will help correct my bite. I suspect that an off bite could be repaired naturally as well, but I would be willing to bet it needs to be done in youth when teeth are still coming in and bones are still growing. Being 25 years old, I probably don't have many options of changing it naturally. But it's something worth looking into. (My suspicions are brought about from this link and reading about dental prerequisite #6.)

In other news, my sensitivity is pretty much gone. I haven't felt any sudden discomfort when taking in cold water from the sink or when I'm outside, so I would like to pronounce that cured. My mouth still feels on the dry side. However, I know I haven't drank enough water this past week, and because of the cold weather, everything is a little dried out.

That's all for today! I'm going to go throw away my toothpaste, and I'll check back in a couple weeks and let y'all know how it's going!

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or dental professional. I am not telling anyone to quit seeing their dentist. I am not saying that dentistry is unnecessary. I'm simply sharing what's working for me and what I'm learning. I also am not advertising for Invisalign, but sharing what's been recommended for me.