thorns & thistles

I can't lie. Today was a wretched day.
I know things could be much worse and not all hope is lost, but when something looms over me like this and for as long as this particular thing has, the human in me, admittedly, feels defeated. So much of my behavior has been shaped by this thorn in my side, and it rubs me annoyingly raw some days.
I was finally feeling confident that a brighter day was dawning for my health, but it all fell apart last night and my heart ached and longer for more of that sense of normalcy. So I sat in my bed and around my home today feeling empty, angry, and hopeless; even deceived. I'm a bit ashamed about the way I took it, but honestly I don't know how else I would have taken it. I feel like the carrot that was dangled has just been pulled away for good. I had been hoping and believing for something very specific to be changed in my health, and I thought that it had. Unexpectedly, things changed, and the grace period was over. My heart sank and I died a little bit in spirit with each hour of the night as I laid in bed. God bless the sweet man of my husband who did his best to comfort me.
"Why God? I thought you were doing something here? I thought you were healing me? I thought you cared about this? I don't understand. Do I really have to continue to deal with this?"
After 16 years of this struggle, nothing has changed. I feel... cheated; forgotten; uncared for. And now I worry about what's coming next and what it means. But I know God sees, and I know God cares, and I know God is capable... but why didn't he do something?
I have no answer right now. This is another one of those moments where the quiet mist of God's hand creeps it's fingers over the pathway and tells me not to worry about the next step and just keep walking.
"Trust me."
I know it's not out of spite or punishment or anything like that; no not at all. I know there's something good, something whole and worthwhile to come of all of this, but I certainly don't feel that and I haven't the slightest inkling as to what it will look like. All I feel is the tugging in my chest that pulls on my throat as I resist the urge to cry out of sorrow and desire for change; the sickness that stirs in my stomach as I stumble in and out of anger and sadness, frustrated thoughts and pleading cries.
"I just want something simple. Is it so much to ask of you? You make seas move and planets rotate and dirt give life, and yet my body will not function as you designed the body to do. I don't understand this, and I'm trying to trust you. Right now though, I need something to hold onto; something to give me hope in this circumstance."
Thankfully, my spirit has been lifted a bit, and I'm coming out of the funk. It's not any less difficult, but I know it'll make sense soon.
"Patience, my love. I am working."