Almost everyone has heard of this book by now, and many women of all ages have read it and are currently obsessed with it. It's become so popular now that it's being adapted as a motion picture to be released in February of 2015.
No, I haven't read it. No, I don't plan to do so, and I don't plan to see the film either. You see, I have a problem with this type of fiction; several problems in fact. While I know that many people, women especially, will think I'm crazy and disagree with me completely, I'm going to do my best to explain why I can't and won't read or watch this story.
Note: For my own information, I did some reading on the synopsis and have read many things about what goes on in these books.
1. Pornography for the Ladies
Let's talk about the fact that this book is in the erotic genre, grouped in with romance novels and the like. I know that lots of women read these types of novels on a daily basis and often can't get enough of them. All of these types of books appeal to the minds of women because they include romance, being desired, mysterious and intriguing men, and all other manner of things that we are hard-wired to fall for and be enticed by. You don't realize it, but you're reading pornography, and it's been specifically designed for you. It is designed to give you butterflies and make you fantasize about a man like the one you're reading. In the case of Fifty Shades of Grey, Christian Grey is designed to appeal to your senses - wealthy, intriguing, mysterious, handsome, confident, and a few secrets of his own. Even Ana is designed to appeal to you - innocent, pretty, but insecure about herself, career-minded, longing for love, etc. What woman doesn't relate to her character? If the book didn't cause you to relate, or hint at your deepest desires, it wouldn't be selling and bringing in profit.
Erotic and romance novels work practically the same way that porn works in men. While men get flooded with images of the aspects they like visually and audibly, thus causing them to keep clicking through images, we women get flooded with emotion and concepts that keep us turning the pages. You've been duped, and now you're sucked in to keep buying the next book that comes out.
2. Emotionally Strung Out
Now that you're reading pornography, let's think about how this affects you. The relationship between Christian and Ana is so full of drama, white-hot attraction, and sexual tension that you can't put it down and you don't realize what's going on in your heart and mind. As you continue to read, you're steadily allowing your ideas about romance, sex, and relationships to be manipulated. Your expectations for boyfriends and husbands and marriage are changed, maybe even lowered.
Many times we say, "This won't affect me," when it would actually have to be outside of reality for it not to affect you. Don't lie to yourself. Soon the desires of your heart aren't just to be romanced, desired, pursued, and loved. You want men to behave the way the men in the books do. You want the mystery, the drama, and the tension because that's what gives you butterflies; that's what makes you feel good. You want to know all his secrets, even the dirty ones, and then once you've gotten involved, you want him to change for you. Because he loves you, and all that jazz. I'm sorry to say...
3. People Change, But Then Again They Don't
I've been married for over three years now, and spent five dating the same man before that. I can safely tell you that my husband has changed, but he's also still the same man he was eight years ago. Sure, his desires and interests change and fluctuate, but he still has the same personality and struggles with the same problems; some that go back before we even met. Make no mistake, marriage does not mean the man before you will change. You don't get a happily ever after and the perfect man simply because he put a ring on it. Marriage takes work, and so does any good and proper relationship. It also means that whatever baggage either of you had doesn't get left at the door when you cross the threshold. It nestles itself into the corners of your home and rears its head from time to time in ways you didn't think it could.
If you think that what you read and watch has no effect on your way of thinking or behavior, think again. Porn, sexual desire, and the longing for love has the capacity to change your expectations and trick you into thinking you want something you once thought appalling, unacceptable, or disgusting. But you'll go along with it all in the name of Love, claiming you accept the man in front of you as he is, until you're too deep into it to easily get out. Trust me, I've been there.
4. The Romanticizing of Abuse
This is where I get honest, and where I am filled with rage at what Fifty Shades of Grey promotes. As a married woman, my husband and I have set boundaries in our bedroom. Not because I want to limit him or that we don't enjoy sex, but rather to protect ourselves and our sexual relationship. Because our sexual relationship is so important and valuable, there are things that he and I will not do because we value each other and our relationship more than "a little fun," experimentation, or our own sexual pleasure.
I'll be blunt. Making sure you achieve several orgasms by your choice of method is far less valuable than the emotional, physical, and spiritual connection you make with your spouse during sex. My biggest problem with Fifty Shades is that it promotes obsessive control and abuse in a sexual way. Sex was not designed for one spouse to dominate over the other or to simply give you the pleasure you want. It was designed as a duet that beckons a husband to please his wife, and a wife to please her husband, with their bodies in an unselfish manner. Sex within marriage communicates one of the deepest and most open and vulnerable forms of love, and I will tell you that there is nothing loving about hurting, harming, or damaging your spouse's body, or in pushing them to participate in degrading forms of sex. Pleasure should not be gained at the expense of your spouse. If you don't set boundaries in your sex life, you can't imagine what you're capable of giving in to when the person you love requests something unimaginable.
If you don't believe me about that, then trust me when I say that you don't have to look far to see how the world of internet pornography goes to extremes to include sexual methods involving violence and abuse, and it doesn't take long to get there.
5. Visual Dangers
After watching the trailer for the movie, my heart was burdened with this post. What once was all imagination and emotion will now be given a body and a face. The film is set to be released on Valentine's Day, so I already know that couples will go see this movie and watch it without realizing what it truly is. Millions will voluntarily watch a film based on a pornographic story, and come out with who knows how many ideas that will influence their behavior and mindset. Men will get the idea that abusive sex and controlling behavior is okay, as long as they really love the woman. Women will think it's normal to be treated and controlled in such a way, and that eventually he'll change and it'll all be the way they wanted it to be in the first place. Who knows how many of them will go home and actually try some of the things they see in the movie? How many men and women will be hurt and shamed by what they participate in? How many men will awaken an abusive nature they were hiding? How many women will turn the tables and respond that they should be in control and become abusive? I fully believe we will see the repercussions of this story.
There is so much to be harmed by Fifty Shades, and the unfortunate part is that most people are all too willing to say, "I'm not hurting anyone," and allow it to continue. I have a feeling that this is the the first step onto a dangerous path for both men and women and their relationships.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 NIV - "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies."
Truth. Just. Truth.
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