When your husband is a gamer

For anyone who knows us, it is common knowledge that my husband and I love board games. I'm not quite as enthusiastic about them as he is, but I have grown a great appreciation for complex strategy and competition. Who can resist stomping their friend's meeples or watching their deck of resources grow into a powerful empire? (cue evil laughter drowning out helpless souls crying out for mercy)

Now video games? That's a completely different subject. I'm not into video games at all. Don't get me wrong, there are some incredibly amazing and beautiful and complex video games out there. I love the way the world of video games is evolving into something with much more personality and nobility than button-mashing and high scores. But I would rather sit and watch my husband play a game excitingly well than play one myself. Yes, I'm that boring.

But what happens to a couple when your hubby really really really loves a good MMO with great design, great stories, and all the coolest gear you could imagine? Our first year of marriage is what happens.

My husband and I used to play Rift, and while I could play for a couple of hours at max on a regular day, my husband could easily put away an entire weekend of nothing but gaming and diet mountain dew if I let him. And sometimes, I let him. After all, he had spent the whole week bringing home the bacon and making sure I was taken care of. How can you say no to a man who can play video games for that long, and yet still get all his stuff done?
Nevertheless, I didn't like how much time he could log away playing games, and I let him know it. Surely there were better ways to spend his time besides just raiding and dungeoning with his random-stranger-guild-buddies! We would have arguments about his amount of play, and all I could do was search for a reason to make him stop, but to no avail. Things got done, bacon was brought home, and I couldn't find a legitimate reason to make him stop playing. Even he understood that it probably wasn't the best use of time, but if things got done, why stop doing something he really enjoyed? Still, I was quietly angry and I didn't know why.

This was a major point of tension for us, and we had a hard time resolving the issue. Eventually things got too busy for him to keep playing so regularly, and we quit playing Rift altogether. But I also figured out what it was that bothered me most when he spent his weekends on the game. You see, while he would go into another world and play with friends he would never meet, I would try to find other ways to fill my time or enjoy my weekend. But truthfully, all I really wanted was for him to spend time with me. Even if it meant just going to the store or watching a movie with me. It wasn't like we got to to be together all the time, and a weekend with no plans meant lots of time for us. But "us time" didn't happen when there were endless raids and dungeons to be conquered.

Before I go on, let me say this: I have no problem with video games at all. I can appreciate them, and I can appreciate that they are something my husband really enjoys. He's good at them and they take his mind off of work and the pressures of being an employee, husband, and soon-to-be-father long enough to let him relax. And I love to hear him laugh while doing something he loves. Everyone needs something that does that, and most of us have it. It's our hobbies; our passions. For some it's video games, half an hour at the coffee shop, knitting, running, and the list goes on. I'm sure you're thinking of what yours is right now.

The thing is that in marriage, we have to remember that we are two different people who like different things. I like Pinterest and my husband likes late-night raids with his guild. There's nothing wrong with those things. The problem is when we spend more time focusing on those things, and not enough time remembering that our spouse needs us too, or communicating that we need them. Because I failed to tell my husband that I needed his attention, he failed to give it to me, and around we went wondering what was wrong. But once we established some ground rules about his amount of gaming, we found a balance that allows him to enjoy something he loves, while still making sure our marriage is tended to.

If you're a wife whose husband loves gaming (or any other hobby), but you feel like it's cutting into your relationship, here's a few things to try:
1. TALK about it. - Chances are good that he has no idea you're upset about it; or if he knows you're upset, he doesn't know why. Tell him how you feel about the amount of time he spends doing such-and-such, and why it makes you feel that way. Communicate what your expectations are when he has that much time to spare.
2. Encourage him. - Make sure that he understands you don't have a problem with him doing what he loves. It's important to show interest in what our spouse loves and let them know we support them, BUT...
3. There is a time to work and a time to play. - ... when an interest gets in the way of work, taking care of responsibilities, finishing that project he started, or just being present for his family (and not in a make-believe dungeon), then it's probably time to sort through our priorities.
4. Set some boundaries. - If need be, agree on some hours with him to do what he loves, and don't be stingy. We all need a little "me-time." For example, my husband plays his game in the evening and knows that I expect him to finish whatever he and his guild are doing by midnight on weeknights, and 2 am on Fridays or Saturdays, depending on our plans. If he needs to have certain things done before he plays, make a plan together to see those things fulfilled and his needs met.
5. Promise to be open and communicate. - This is the hard part for you. You have to voice your feelings. I've promised my husband that if I start to feel he's spent too much time on the game, if I need him for something, or just want him to come be with me, I'll speak up. If you never say anything, he will never know and will assume you're okay with how things are. Tell him that you'll be honest with him so that he knows when it's time to stop and you don't turn into a ball of rage.

Happy gaming!