desires not my own

On this quiet Saturday morning I am happy to enjoy some time to lay peacefully in my bed and reflect on all that makes up the current state of affairs in my life. Sure, I reflect often on my life, but most of the time, I feel rushed and stressed about it, as if I will run out of time to figure out what the heck I'm doing. I quickly move on to other things because, well, life calls, and it stops for no one.

In moments like this morning, I begin visualizing myself - who I want to be, who I am, what I'm doing with my time - all the "me" stuff that stresses me daily. But somewhere in my musings, I dissipate, and find someone I don't quite recognize standing in the placid and colorful corners of my mind. Yes, it's still me; just a little bit different version of me. A me I never knew could be. And when I look at this me, I see desires and loves and wishings and hopes that I barely gave thought to long ago. They're like those things you daydream about, but quickly say, "Ah, it could never be," but less whimsical. These desires have far more substance and clout. You only say it couldn't be because you have yet to experience them.

In conversations with my sweet husband, we've found that his daydreams tend to dwell in lands of adventure and bravery, and he carries a burden for glory. He lives in places where he can solve any problem and do the unimaginable - similar to the daydreams of anyone else. Mine, however, are far less fanciful. I daydream about the everyday and the simple. Every now and then something whimsical pops in - the common ideas of popularity and greatness in doing something you're good at - but it quickly fades because, "Ah, it could never be."
Perhaps I hold less hope than others because I am so quick to dismiss, what might be called, the impossible. I've never thought myself to be designed for glory or greatness as this world would have it. I believe I have learned to be okay with that; with being small and simple. I can accept it on most days; on others, not so much.
On the other hand, maybe I have a better understanding that to be faithful in small things is to be faithful in great things. So I don't waste time wishing for things that are not to be. Perhaps it's a little of both.

"Even so, I have noticed one thing, at least, that is good. It is good for people to eat, drink, and enjoy their work under the sun during the short life God has given them, and to accept their lot in life." (Ecclesiastes 5:18)

This morning, I am thankful for the desires and loves that God continues to grow in my heart. Perhaps I am made more for a simple life than most people would be able to put up with. Whatever the truth, I have watched myself grow to love people I never would have loved of my own will. They are tough to love, and I can be so impatient. But God is so full of love, and I love them because he does, and soon enough I love them myself. And now I am witnessing the birth of desires in my heart that I only daydreamed about. Things that have substance and are valuable and can be achieved have begun to have more weight in my hand than so many other things I keep fooling myself into thinking I need. Don't get me wrong, some days I say, "It's impossible," or, "It's not for me." I know I am wrong though. I can only assume that God is at work, because these are not the things I would choose if given the option. Or are they?...

I lay myself down at the foot of God, but what I am offering was already his to begin with.
And the truth is that I have always been burdened with glorious purpose, simply because I was created.